The Battle Against the Dementors Starts Now.

While Googling various things along the lines of, "How to deal with living with a negative/miserable person", I came across this depression quiz on some psychology website.  I took it.  I was curious.  I've been feeling like total crap as of lately.  Mentally.  Emotionally.  Maybe a tiny bit physically, too.  I scored a 31 on that depression quiz, which apparently meant I could be "mildly/moderately depressed".  That's when it really hit me.  I didn't want to admit it to myself that over the past couple of months I have felt somewhat lifeless.  What?  Me?  Depressed?  No way.  This is not acceptable.

I've been stuck in a rut that I wasn't quite sure I know how to get out of.  I wish there was a syllabus for life.  I mean, what do you expect?  You go to school your entire life.  All you ever know is, "If you do A, B, and C, you will succeed and proceed to the next level.  Good work, young padawan!".  Before you know it you're done with college with only a really expensive piece of paper to show for it.  Then what?  Student loan bills flood your mailbox.  That's what.

If you're anything like me, you're really great at procrastination and the thought of making an actual "adult decision" scares the piss out of you (please see last blog post on procrastination).  I'll admit it.  I'm not proud of it, but I've come to terms with it and I'm doing my best to do something about it.  I've realized that doing nothing is worse than doing literally anything.  I need to start making choices and sticking with it.  I've been too fixated on making the "best choice" for things and as a result I make none.  I've let my A.D.D. get the best of me and jump from one thought to the next instead of actually executing anything.  This applies to most things in my life.

On top of that, I'm still living at home.  I thought it would be a good idea to move back in to save some money.  Sounds good, right?  Eh, not really.  Let me explain.  My mom is miserable.  ....And she loves company.  Often times I walk in the door from work or when I come home from my boyfriend's house after not being home for a few days and am greeted with a black cloud of negativity.  I have noticed that I am letting it have a serious impact on my thoughts and how I feel.  It's hard not to, ya know?  I let her negativity get the best of me and bring me down to that miserable level.  I let the negativity vibes suck the life right out of me.  My mom is a very difficult person.  She is stubborn, has poor eating habits, smokes, never leaves the house (I mean NEVER), makes excuses for everything, and is extremely negative and vocal about it.  When I took that depression test and it gave me my results, I had a moment of realization.  I don't want to grow up and be like my mom.  I don't want my "day-to-day" to be sitting around the house and getting stuck inside my own head with only negative thoughts.  In the words of the captain from Wall-E, "I don't want to survive.  I want to live!".  I don't have plans to live here forever, it's just temporary.  I need to remember that.  My mom is NEVER going to change and I need to do a better job at just accepting that.  I realize that instead I need to change the way I respond.  This is only temporary.  It is taxing sometimes, but temporary.

Now I have to focus on my next move.  I want to get back into shape.  I've had a rough holiday season but I'm not getting anywhere by dwelling on that.  I'm going to look into getting another job that makes me feel good about life.  I think those things are a good start.